Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ranking the Presidents of 24

(Certain Presidents are not added for a variety of reasons. Deal with it.)

5) President Allison Taylor
Season 7 and Redemption

Ok. It's only been 5 episodes. But Allison Taylor is easily the worst president in the history of the show. She's boring. She's too fucking good. "Oh the poor Sengalans." Please. Like a President of the U.S. would ever act like that.

I'm not sure if she is being portrayed as a "bleeding heart liberal," but this is ridiculous. She allows her citizens to die because she wants to fight a war in another continent. What type of idiot president would do that? 

But seriously, the truth is that so far she has no ulterior motives for doing things. She wants to held Sengalans cause it's the right thing to do. That's just bullshit and boring. I hope she gets more interesting soon.

4) Wayne Palmer
As President: Season 6
Also appeared in Seasons 3 & 5

Wayne was much more interesting when he wasn't President and instead was his brother David's Chief of Staff. He was having affairs, breaking into people's houses and getting people killed. He was awesome.

As President, his biggest moment was almost getting killed and coming back to work early before falling into a coma. Sure, that showed he was a hardass, but nothing compared to all the cool things he did before. 

3) Noah Daniels
Season 6

I was hesitant to put Daniels on this list because he was President for about half a season. He only took over after Wayne Palmer was almost assassinated.

But Daniels deserves a special mention because the guy was a gigantic asshole. As vice-president, he tried to authorize the implementation of racial profiling and detention centers. He ordered a nuclear strike against an unnamed country despite the opposition of most of his cabinet. He had one of his advisors prejure herself to try and steal the presidency. Worst of all, he tried to have Jack Bauer arrested. Douche.

2) David Palmer
As President: Seasons 2 & 3
Also appeared in Seasons 1, 4 & 5

I never thought there would be a better President that David Palmer. His friendship with Jack was great and you always knew Jack was in good hands.

Palmer was a good man, but unlike the current crappy President, made tough decisions that weren't always the "right" thing to do. That is what is missing from Taylor. 

Anyway, Palmer survived multiple assassination attempts till he was killed in the season premiere of Season 5. Still, he always seemed Presidential and was a great ally for Jack. 

1) President Charles Logan
As President: Seasons 4 & 5
Also appeared in Season 6

There was no better President than Charles Logan (as portrayed by Gregory Itzin). 

He took over after President Keeler was incapacitated after Air Force One was shot down.  The character grew from there.

During his time as acting President, Logan was a sniveling, cowardly worm. He decided to lead from a bunker instead of the Oval Office because he was scared for his life. He was completely unprepared to make any decisions. You wanted to reach into the TV and smack him around.

He had David Palmer come in and make all of his decisions for him. Logan was also known for throwing a temper tantrum like an insulted school girl when he didn't like something.

Then in Season 5, Logan really hit his stride. He gave in to terrorist demands over and over again, sacrificing the lives of 11 Americans in a mall. He was even prepared to let his wife and the Russian Prime Minister be killed, but they were saved by Aaron Pierce. 

Logan also invoked martial law, was complicit in the assassination of David Palmer and the selling of nerve gas to terrorists. He also ordered the murder of one of his Secret Service agents and threatened to have his wife, Martha, committed.

Logan also decided to take on Jack Bauer (always a big mistake) by having a warrant issued for his arrest, then ordering a navy jet to shoot down a passenger plane Jack had...um...commandeered that had evidence of Logan's illegal acts. With help from Martha, Jack eventually kidnapped Logan and tricked him into confessing all his illegal acts. He was arrested and currently lives under house arrest.

But all these acts were played so well by Itzin that you just HATED Logan. To give a comparison, his portrayal of Logan is on par with Michael Emerson's portrayal of Ben Linus on Lost. He is just a guy you love to hate.

Logan's most heinous act may have been having sex with Martha in-between a three minute commercial break. When the show went to commercial, they weren't even partly undressed. Charles Logan was also a minute man.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Top 8 Most Hated People in Comics

8) Kevin Huxford

This guy would be higher on this list if more people knew who he was. I wasn't even sure that I should give him any publicity, but I just couldn't ignore this piece of work (you'll thank me for not being able to find a larger photo of him).

Kevin Huxford is a blogger/internet troll who calls himself a "journalist." 

What he manages to do is piss off everybody he comes in contact with. He stalks and insults Marvel writer Dan Slott any chance he gets. This stems from when our mild mannered "reporter" decided to report TV/comic book writer Marc Guggenheim to the Writer's Guild of America, even though Marc had done nothing wrong. Marc laughed the whole incident off, but when Slott stood up for his friend, Huxford became obsessed with Slott.

It was in this exchange that we found out that Kevin's activism with unions comes from his time working as a grocery bagger. This man is a hero.

That is, until you see his shirtless vlogs on YouTube. *shudder* 

7) The Sentry

The Sentry is the only fictional character on this list (unless Grocery Bagger Union Buster isn't real). 

The Sentry's story begins as a hoax between Marvel and Wizard Magazine. The two companies "revealed" in a story that a lost Silver Age character created by Stan Lee had been found in some closet or something. A fairly successful series was then created by Paul Jenkins and Jae Lee. That should have ended the story of Marvel's Superman who had the "power of one million exploding suns" (whatever the hell that means).

But then Marvel went overboard. The Sentry joined the Avengers. The Sentry saved the day in World War Hulk. The Sentry was EVERYWHERE, being crammed down fans' throats.

Now The Sentry just needs to die.

6) Rich Johnston

Rich Johnston is a necessary evil to people in comics. He is like the paparazzi to celebrities.

Rich writes the popular gossip column "Lying in the Gutters." Through his "sources" he breaks stories that many in the comic industry aren't ready to reveal yet. But what Rich does is create buzz for these stories as well. So while many comic creators and execs publicly state that Rich is "harmful to the industry" and my personal favorite, "a vulture," these same people sometimes let things "slip" on purpose as a way to get publicity through LitG.

So in a way, Rich Johnston is the man that comic professionals love to hate.

P.S. - He is also a shameless self-promoter and will probably link this post to his column. *Crosses fingers*

5) Jeph Loeb

He's on this list because he writes crap like this:

'Nuff said.

4) Dan Didio/Joe Quesada/Anyone else who's in charge

These guys are all lumped together because it stems from a hatred of authority. Keep in mind that both Dan Didio and Joe Quesada have been in charge of their respective companies in one of the most successful periods for both DC and Marvel.

But somehow, both Dan and Joe have managed to "rape the childhoods" of countless comic book fans. Every decision these guys make is met with cries of outrage. 

If message boards are to be believed (which they never should be) Joe's decision to undo Spider-Man's wedding to Mary Jane almost created a string of mass suicides. 

He even got shit for wanting to take smoking out of comics, as if the Hulk lighting up would change the story in any way.

Dan is just maligned for ordering the death of a new character daily. It's not like anybody is going to miss Sue Dibny. Lately, "reports" that Dan Didio will be fired do to tension in DC's offices were obviously off the mark.

3) Chuck Austen

Chuck Austen was so hated that it drove him out of the comic industry. Austen was a mediocre writer who had stints on both Avengers and X-Men. That could have been the end of the story, but for some reason Chuch Austen collapsed under the pressure.

The more he was pushed by his critics, the more he pushed back. It became really heated when Austen was called a misogynist who hates women and is obsessed with sex. Austen kept fighting back, but it just got worse. He was replaced on Action Comics by a ghostwriter as fans panned him for making Lois Lane and Lana Lang fight with each other.

Honestly, the things Austen was maligned for was being too open with fans. He was crushed under the weight of not taking criticism well and hasn't written a comic in 5 years.

2) John Byrne

What the hell happened to John Byrne? At one time, he was the #1 creator in comics. His runs on X-Men and Fantastic Four are two of the all-time greatest on any comic book ever. If John Byrne was taking over a series, you just knew it was going to be amazing.

Then one day, John Byrne went bat shit crazy. 

There was the time he compared the theft of intellectual property to rape.

There was the time he called Steve Irwin "an asshole" on the day he died.

There are his views on terrorism: "The only acceptable response, now that we are officially in a new world, is for the American government to go Old Testament on these motherfuckers. 

Operation Flaming Sword. Find them and kill them. And kill their wives, their children, their mothers, their fathers, their brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers. Go Super-Israel, and let them know what it feels like to be "at war" with the United States."

His views on the comic industry: Face it - for the most part, when you say "comic book professional" what you mean is "unprofessional yahoo who is more concerned with making a name for himself and masturbating all his emotionally retarded fans than paying attention to the history of the titles, the characters, or the work done by other creators."

On Christopher Reeve (after his death): "I've gotten tired of people calling Christopher Reeve a hero. A really terrible thing happened to him and our society can't deal with it when terrible things happen so we try to make out that it isn't a terrible thing - 'It's an uplifting thing. He's a hero.' He's not a hero, he's in hell."

I won't even get into his racial slurs here. Check out this site for his Greatest Hits: en.wikiquote.org/wiki/John_Byrne.

He has fought with fans and comic pros alike. His feuds with Joe Quesada, Erik Larsen and Peter David, among others, are epic. Even his message board is run like an internment camp.
It's surprising to even me that he isn't #1 on this list, but somehow the following name on this list is hated even more.

1) Rob Liefeld

Where do I begin? Rob Liefeld is definitely the most hated person in the world of comics. Mention his name anywhere and it turns into a bitchfest.

"The guy can't draw feet." (Which after so many years is bizarrely true. Why doesn't he take some lessons?)

"The guy has problems drawing anatomy." (Which Captain Booberica below probably agrees with.)

"His books are always late." (Also true. According to Wikipedia, his Youngblood series was up to 9 months late.)

"He plagiarizes." (Yup.)

But Rob is not some innocent victim. He finds a way to piss people off at every turn. He posts on message boards arguing with anyone and everyone, from guys named Doombug to artists like Rags Morales (Rags completely embarrassed Rob in that thread with the now classic line, "And as far as being me? I'm sure you'd lop off you right wrist to be me. If you knew what a wrist looked like.")

Basically what it comes down to is this. Rob was a superstar at Marvel, even co-creating my favorite character Deadpool (though he looked very similar to DC Comics' Deathstroke). He became very famous, very fast and even did an ad for Levi's 501 jeans. He left Marvel and became one of the founders of Image.

It was all downhill from there. He alienated the co-founders of Image and was eventually removed from the company. His books never came out on time and they were garbage. He was basically phoning it in. To top it off, his arrogance rubbed a lot of comic fans the wrong way and put him at the top of this list. 

Rob Liefeld brought this upon himself. He, along with his 4-5 disciples who go to different message boards claiming that Liefeld is the next messiah, should spend less time fighting with fans online or falling asleep during meetings, and instead work on his craft and learn to be more humble. Then maybe one day people will like Rob Liefeld.

What is up with Juliet?

She's not the prettiest woman. She's not the sexiest woman. If I saw her on the road I probably wouldn't even look back. I've seen her in other roles and I don't even think twice. 

Then why is it that whenever Elizabeth Mitchell plays Juliet on Lost, I become mesmerized by her? Sure, the low cut tank top that shows off her awesome boobs that are always lathered up in fake sweat and mud help, but there is something about her. When she gives that smirk and the "fuck me" eyes, I just wonder what is going through her dirty mind. I wonder if I would be able to walk after spending a night with her. She may be the nicest, most innocent person, but I really doubt it. Hell, I'm even rambling right now just thinking about the horrible, horrible things she would do to me so it's best just to Google her nude, lesbian scene with Angelina Jolie in Gia and stop reading this post.

Oscar Noms = Epic Fail (Again)

Well the Academy blew it again, yet I'm going to sit there watching the awards, waiting for someone to apologize for giving the Best Picture Oscar to Chariots of Fire over Raiders of the Lost Ark. Let's run through the few categories that people actually care about. So I'm going to go through this list and predict who will win and who I want to win. I haven't seen all these movies, so I am basing this on people I like. If you don't like it, go watch Oprah or something

Best Actor
Who will win: Mickey Rourke (WTF?)
Who should win: Mickey Rourke (Seriously, Mickey Rourke?)

Richard Jenkins in The Visitor
Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn in Milk
Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler

Best Supporting Actor

Who will win: Heath Ledger
Who should win: Heath Ledger (I think it would be hilarious if Downey Jr. won)

Josh Brolin in Milk
Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt
Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon in Revolutionary Road

Best Actress

Who will win: Kate Winslet
Who should win: (Tie) Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis for Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie in Changeling 
Melissa Leo in Frozen River
Meryl Streep in Doubt
Kate Winslet in The Reader

Best Supporting Actress

Who will win: Viola Davis
Who should win: Marisa Tomei (So people can stop saying her first win was a mistake)

Amy Adams in Doubt
Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis in Doubt
Taraji P. Henson in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler

Best Director

Who will win: Danny Boyle
Who should win: Christopher Nolan (Fuck you Academy!)

David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Potsie for Frost/Nixon
Gus Van Sant for Milk
Stephen Daldry for The Reader
Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire

Best Picture

Who will win: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Who should win: Slumdog Millionaire

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Who Watches Product Placement?

Warner Bros. have released pictures of this cool Watchmen 12" Picture Disc featuring My Chemical Romance's version of "Desolation Row." 

Side A: My Chemical Romance "Desolation Row" (Smiley Face)
Side B: Tyler Bates "Prison Fight" Track from the Original Motion Picture Score (Rorschach City Scene)

My Chemical Romance is so emo, that they make whiny little bitches with modern flock of seagulls haircuts and eyeliner look tough, but damn if this isn't really cool. I may actually have to get this.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Playoff Fever - Catch It!

I'm sure everyone was glued to their TVs this weekend watching Kuwait's Abdulaziz Alanezi, left, fight for a ball with South Korea's Yunusk Ohduring in their match at the Men's Handball World Championship in Split, Croatia. You don't get action like this anywhere else. Look at the tiny ball, the short shorts and the shirt pulling. Handball knows how to put on a show for its dozens of fans. 

Oh. There was also this:

Friday, January 16, 2009

Top 10 Amazing Race Hotties

10) Shana Wall
Amazing Race 12
Eliminated Leg 5

I'm not holding it against Shana that she once dated Ryan Seacrest. I'm not holding it against her that she was eliminated in the 5th leg (with hottie teammate Jennifer McCall) which kept me from watching their hot asses longer. I'm not even holding it against her that she appeared uncredited on an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. What I am holding against her is that she won't let me spy on her in the shower anymore. Stupid judge...

9) Dustin Konzelman
Amazing Race 10
Eliminated Leg 10
Amazing Race 11
Finished 2nd

Dustin and her partner Kandice were insufferable bitches. But you have to give them credit, they did well in two season of the Amazing Race. Dubbed The Beauty Queens, they were bitchy and conniving, but hotness is hotness and Dustin was hot. She met Kandice at the Miss America pageant in 2006 (Dustin was Miss California, Kandice was Miss New York) where they most likely engaged in hot lesbian sex (or signing up for the Amazing Race, I forget which one).

8) Danielle Turner
Amazing Race 9
Eliminated Leg 4
Amazing Race 11
Finished 1st

Danielle first appeared in Season 9 with her friend Dani (who was also fairly hot). They were morons and were knocked out in the fourth leg. That should have been the last we saw of her, but Danielle did what any other bimbo would do she found a guy to provide for her. She teamed up with fellow season 9 cast member Eric, who she was now dating, and returned for the All-Star edition in Season 11. He carried her all the way to the $1 million. I love a happy ending.

7) Starr Spangler
Amazing Race 13
Finished 1st

With her obviously gay-but-doesn't-know-it-cause-he-claims-to-have-a-girlfriend brother Nick, Starr Spangler avoided becoming the first porn star that didn't need a pseudonym. The brother/sister combo won 7 legs and Starr's short shorts always gave us a look at two more. Did I forget to mention that Starr was a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader? Ah, fuck it. Just look at her boobs.

6) Kris Perkins
Amazing Race 6
Finished 2nd

Kris Perkins is someone that you appreciate more if you watch the Amazing Race. She is not the prettiest girl, but she has a lot of things going for her. She was really nice. She didn't fight with her teammate Jon. She was respectful to the locals. AND SHE HAS ENORMOUS TITS!

5) Kendra Bentley
Amazing Race Season 6
Finished 1st

Kendra and her fiance Freddy were fashion models who won the $1 million in Season 6. She was the typical ugly American. During a drive through Ethiopia she said, "This city is wretched and disgusting and they keep breeding and breeding in this poverty. I can't take it!" We don't love them for their minds folks.

4) Amie Barsky
Amazing Race 1
Eliminated Leg 5

Amy and her fiance (now husband) Paul competed in the first season of the Amazing Race. They weren't really memorable until you look at Amy now. She is an aspiring actress/model and met Paul when she was bartending in 1999. She was a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader and has starred in movies with heavyweights like Adam Goldberg and Gabriel Schwalenstocker. The topless slasher movie scene can't be far away.

3) Kristy Jensen
Amazing Race 6
Eliminated Leg 3

Kristy and her sister Lena were the Mormon team on Amazing Race 6. They were eliminated quickly so we didn't get to see much of Kristy. But one quick Google search and I saw what we were all missing. This is one hot Mormon folks. She's so hot that the guy she marries may choose to only have 2 wives.

2) Victoria Fuller
Amazing Race 6
Eliminated Leg 8

The hottest of the Season 6 hotties, Victoria had the distinction of being the first reality show contestant to be beaten by her husband on national TV (he claimed it was the editing - douche). Victoria was getting yelled at and pushed almost every episode under the guise of "the entrepreneur" team. What they should have focused on more was that Victoria was a Playboy centerfold (Miss January 1996). There are a lot of naked pictures out there so grab the Vaseline and check her out.

1) Amber Brkich
Amazing Race 7
Finished 2nd
Amazing Race 11
Eliminated Leg 4

It pains me to have Amber Brkich at #1, but the girl is smoking hot. She appeared on two seasons of the Amazing Race with her douche husband Rob. Amber also won $1 million on Survivor, appearing twice on that as well. She has the two pronged hotness attack. She has that girl next door look (if the girl next door was a millionaire hot piece of ass) that can be transformed into the slutty, I-will-do-terrible-things-to-you-and-you'll-like-it look. From top to bottom, Amber Brkich is the hottest woman to ever compete on the Amazing Race.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Cause People Need To Know

Please Don't Kill Each Other

One of you two needs to beat the Eagles or Cardinals in the Super Bowl so play nice.

I predict two upsets this weekend.

Ravens over Steelers 16-10

Cardinals over Eagles 23-21

Worst Comic Ever

I don't mean to keep harping on the shittyness of Jeph Loeb but what the fuck!!!!!!!

I bought Ultimate Hulk Annual #1 without knowing anything about it. I grabbed it for a quick read on the shitter. After I was done, I would've wiped my ass with it if the staples wouldn't have cut into my hemorrhoids (um...moving on). I swear this was horrible. I got halfway through the issue and thought, "Who wrote this pile of shit, Jeph Loeb?" I looked and it was him! I kid you not!

Let me tell you the basic summary of this story. 

Zarda from the Squadron Supreme has been left behind in the Ultimate Universe. She beats up the Wrecking Crew and as she gets ready to kill the Wrecker, is stopped by Captain America who let's her know that good guys don't kill. So far nothing out of the ordinary other than the fact that Ultimate Captain America has no problem killing people! That's ok thought. Let's just call it a minor continuity glitch that only a nerd would catch.

But then the horror begins...

Zarda goes to a restaurant and sees the Hulk arguing with the maitre d'. The restaurant has decided to not seat the Hulk because HE ISN'T WEARING PANTS!!!!!!!!!! Zarda and Hulk fight. Zarda beats up Hulk, but she doesn't kill him because public service announcements by Captain America are never forgotten. Instead, she drags the unconscious Hulk to a clothing store and buys him pants!

Then they have sex.

The end.

Jeph Loeb must be stopped. He is easily the worst writer in comics. He makes Judd Winnick look like Alan Moore. It's unbelievable that this guy is given work.

I feel dumber after having read this.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I Can't Wait For The Third One!

This is awesome!

To see more go here.

Who Would You Rather?

From top to bottom: Minka Kelly, Megan Fox and Odette Yustman.

So this is a tough one. 

Minka Kelly has that girl next door vibe. It helps that she plays a cheerleader on Friday Night Lights. 

Megan Fox is the BA-ZOW! of this group. You look and her and your erection smacks you in the face (well mine does, not sure about you pee-wee). This girl oozes whore and if she had an STD you would probably tell her that you've been always looking to get syphilis and if she knew someone who had it.

Odette Yustman is the winner though. She is a combination of Fox and Kelly. She has the girl next door looks, but also would do very dirty things to you behind closed doors. Come on, you all saw the "Fuck me" eyes she was giving the Cloverfield monster. Yustman wins this round.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Why is 3-D Back?

It seems like every 10 years, someone tries to bring 3-D and its lame glasses back to the forefront.

It fails every time!

This year so far, we have:

Journey to the Center of the Earth
Monsters Vs. Aliens
Chuck 3-D

Can it die now?

What I'm Buying This Week

DC Comics

Final Crisis #6 (Of 7) 

Someone explain to me why I'm still buying this? Am I just a sucker to event comic books?

Marvel Comics

Amazing Spider-Man #583 Obama Variant

Come on! How can you resist this? Rumor has it that Obama and Spider-Man do a fist bump. Stop the presses!
This will probably knock "The Search for Obama's New Dog" to page 2! 
People getting killed in the Middle East? That falls somewhere between Paris Hilton's new STD and a feature on Ernest Borgnine.

Deadpool #6 

Even Daniel Way hasn't been able to ruin this character. Of course, Jeph Loeb hasn't had a crack at him yet.

First Post

Let's try this blogging thing out.